22 March 2005

Don'tcha hate it when...?

.... you're wheeling down the fast lane of your favorite Interstate... doing the speed limit of course :) and that ratty P.O.S. '81 Buick Skylark with broken shocks doing 30Mph whips over out of the slow lane right in front of you, no turn signal, no warning, and for NO worthwhile reason known to man or God!?! Automakers need to start offering the James Bond model, flip-down machine gun headlights as an option.

.... drivers of standard passenger vehicles swing out in the opposite direction before making a turn? (You're not driving a Tractor-Trailer for crying out loud!!)

.... one of those new "wonder drug" commercials ends with "Ask your doctor if 'drug X' is right for you", without any further hint of what the hell it even does?

.... you're shopping in a store and the retail clerk instantly ignores you (the live customer!) to help one that interrupts via phone?

.... you're collaborating at your PC with a colleague who insists on pointing at things on your screen, touching it with his/her greasy, sausage-like fingers, covering it with repulsive smear marks.

.... people don't spell check (e.g. "I didd'nt remeberr to use the spel cheker", Translation: "I'm basically a careless slob.")

.... someone continually interupts you when you're in mid-disertation? (What part of "Please hold your questions until the end." didn't you get??) So much for that train of thought reaching the station.

.... people in a check-out line in front of you rummage for exact change, or grope through a huge stack of paper-clipped coupons?

.... you get a 1/2 hour long, full-fledged epic answer from someone when you simply asked them, "How are you?"?

.... people narrate their actions (e.g. "Oh geez... I have to go get some more paper clips!", or "Boy...I gotta scratch this itch on my butt!"). Thanks for sharing.

.... you hear someone talk using 'Like', 'Um' & 'Y'know WAY too much? (e.g. "Like my friend um Barney, y'know, is like weird y'know what I mean?. Like, he um, talks funny, y'know. It's like not English, like it sounds like it's um, a foreign language, y'know." People that talk like this make me think that they're only using their heads as hair farms. Now, everyone repeat after me: "I promise I will, like, never, um you know, like, insert like, the words 'like', 'you know' or 'um' into, like, any sentences that I, um, like speak you know?"

.... you buy something new that has a sticker on it (in the most obvious, obnoxious & improper place...), that when you peel it off leaves behind some sort of industrial strength gummy residue that is impossible to remove and serves only to collect gross dust balls? Makes you wish you would have just left the stupid sticker on in the first place.

.... the TV news anchor (on an obviously slow news day...) interupts the program you're watching with "Breaking News! This just in.... Channel 11 News has just learned that Mrs. Wagner's cat just gave birth to 5 kittens!! We have a crew on the way to the scene and we'll bring you more on this story just as soon as we get it!" Spare me... and get OFF of my TV!!

.... the TV news reporter giving the story from the scene tells the first 25% of what happened, and then ends the report with "...and coming up new at 4:30, we'll tell you why it happened." Pathetically stretching a simple 4 minute story into a 20 minute epic just so the news program can run for a full two hours! Geez... Tell me NOW you moron. I'm here, you’re here, you have the facts, FINISH THE STORY and then GO AWAY! On a REALLY slow news day, this is often repeated three or four times on the same story. (Slow news day Rx = Substitute 5:00, 5:30, 6:00, etc. for the time above, give one additional small story detail, and repeat on the half-hour as needed). Gimme a break.... The entire nightly news could be told in 30 minutes, sans commercials and the above 'stretching technique'. Is this what they teach in 'News Journalism' classes now? Or have the schools finally changed the course name to a more justified 'It's All About The Ratings' class?